There aren’t enough performance stickers or cool points on the planet to get the pearl to break its mind bending top speed of 71 mph. I mean sure, I could have rebuilt the tired old 350 a third time and spent more than $60 like last time, but where is the fun in that? The 3 speed auto trans(th350) needed to go and the 1970’s called and wanted their 350 back, but the real reason is: I needed a project that could give me the vacation from dating that I needed. So, I asked myself – LS swap? Translation: Take a V8 out of 2000’s chevy truck, put a turbo on it, make like 600 horsepower, double fuel mileage, and stop emulating BP oil spills every time I park.

I searched for almost a year for the right organ doner, involving almost purchasing a few carcasses of random suburbans with no doors or seats or titles. I was up late one night watching Vikings while I had about 15 internet tabs open displaying various camshafts I came across the perfect craigslist ad. I knew this was exactly what I was looking for, this guy had a gold mine of crashed early 2000’s trucks with everything that I could dream of. Not only that, but I wouldn’t have to worry about chopping a derelict vehicle in the street with fear of jail time. What a deal! Especially since in this book everyone is always talking about there is this character named Jesus also who goes to jail and it doesn’t work out so well for him. He obviously didn’t know where properly to buy an LS motor.

Reluctantly interfering with my near nocturnal sleep schedule, I woke up earlier than noon on a Saturday with a mild hangover to go save 5.3 liters of a soul out of this man’s personal collection. Knowing this was the last ride for the smoke machine that doubled for an engine in the Pearl, I didn’t even check the fluids. It was kind of like riding a retarded alligator all the way to Engine Swap Zion.

 

 

With 3 of us, we performed the exorcism quicker than I expected, although we did perform a ceremony slightly resembling a viking blood eagle. We freed the 5.3 liter vortec surrounded with all of its wires, belts, hoses, happiness, and even his cousin 4L60e transmission decided to come along as they denounced that 2003 Tahoe like the false deity that it was. 180,000 miles of slave work only to be tossed away in some ghetto of a centrally located city in an infamous state that looks like a penis. Now it can retire into an attention whoring work of art that lives a quarter mile at a time with its new boss, Mr. 78mm turbo (oh yea, I might have forgot to mention phase 2, queue audible evil laugh).